A Poem

This morning I was listening to NPR and decided I would write a poem. Here it is:

A Poem to be Read by Garrison Keillor on the Writer's Almanac

This is a poem to be read by Garrison Keillor on the Writer's Almanac
It's not a very good poem,
but I know he will read it.
He will read it because
it mentions his name, which will appeal to his sense of vanity,
and he will think it paradoxical that the poem refers to itself.
As he reads it
he will probably be thinking
"This poem is complete garbage,
"and it's not even written by a poet,"
(which will make him a little jealous)
But I know that he will read it
(I hear his voice in my head as I write)
because he cannot afford to alienate me
a loyal listener
who every year sends in my $35
to the local radio station
to keep him on the air,
and besides
it's got such a great finish.

Erratum Re: Ring

This note is to correct some recently popularized misinterpretations of some events concerned with a certain Ring, commonly known as the One Ring of Power. This note, as far as I know, sets the main facts straight. First you should have some background on Sauron. Far from being as intimidating as he is made out to be, Sauron was actually the laughing stock among dark lords in his time. True, true, the One Ring has the power to enslave the world, but Sauron was something of a pack rat and could never keep his things organized. He was the type that, after a tremendous battle aimed at taking over the World he would leave the ruins of battle lying in the field claiming "some day I'll be able to use it for spare parts in my war machine" (you've heard of the Dead Marshes?: case in point.)

Now that you have some background the main fact that I would like to correct is this: the nonsense about Isildur cutting the Ring off of Sauron's hand is completely bogus, pure embellishment (and widely promoted by Isildur AND Sauron themselves at that).

In actuality Sauron lost the Ring when he decided to clean up his act...he was tired of being made fun of by the other demonic undeads. That's when he stopped in at the local branch of the Middle Earth Library and found two books that he checked out: How to Win Epic Battles and Control People, and Move Your Stuff, Ruin Everyone's Life: Feng Shui for Dark Lords. These two books inspired him to clean up his clutter. So, hoping to kill two birds with one stone by also raising some funds to support his Dark Army, he decided to have a yard sale.

As I've said Sauron was always terrible at keeping track of his things, so it's no surprise that his One Ring ended up in a box with other odd trinkets marked

Bargain Bin: 25 Cents Apiece

(in Sauron's ungainly scrawl).

Isildur was a frequenter of Middle Earth's yard sale scene, and could never pass up a bargain, so he bought the Ring for a quarter without ever knowing what he had got until after he had gotten rid of it (tossed it into a river or something). When Sauron realized that it was missing, he made up the whole story of having his hand cut off. When Isildur heard the story he bought into it also and so it has been perpetuated to this day.

The February Thumb-Sucking song!

February!
Your thumb tastes like a cherry!
Your fingers taste...fingerry!
In February.

New-Year's-Eve-O Claus

While I'm on the subject of New Year's Eve I thought I should bring up the legend of New-Year's-Eve-O Claus. New-Years-Eve-O Claus is the lesser know sister to Santa Claus. She lives at the South Pole and visits homes on New Year's Eve delivering pizza in a sleigh pulled by penguins. Whereas Santa Claus will only come when everyone is in bed and asleep, New-Year's-Eve-O Claus will only come when everyone is awake (everyone over the age of 3, that is). You see Santa Claus knows that everyone will recognize him and so he makes sure that he is never seen. New-Year's-Eve-O Claus is often seen, but almost never recognized. Also, whereas most adults do not believe in Santa Claus, but most kids do; most kids don't believe in New-Year's-Eve-O Claus (just ask one!), but almost all adults do.